You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
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