I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
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