Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
