You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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