I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
