I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
