I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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