im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
