guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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