Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
