i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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