I just threw up on my dentist
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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