That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
