Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
