I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
