They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Randomize
