i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
