dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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