She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
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