drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Randomize
