is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
