im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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