This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
