so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
