I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
But theres a keg here and me gusta
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize