Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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