So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
