Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
