my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize