Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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