our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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