my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
