I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
