Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
