i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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