then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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