The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Sext me about skeletons
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
