dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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