We're facebook friends in real life
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
