I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize