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• (206): View more from Washington

  I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.

  (1-206): View more from Washington

  Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.

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• (305): View more from Florida

  considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?

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• (201): View more from New Jersey

  I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.

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• (618): View more from Illinois

  i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.

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• (760): View more from California

  explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.

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• (254): View more from Texas

  Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.

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• (630): View more from Illinois

  Thank you for not boning my boss.

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• (281): View more from Texas

  A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.

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• (720): View more from Colorado

  Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.

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• (609): View more from New Jersey

  I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.

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• (+61): View more from Australia

  I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already

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• (504): View more from Louisiana

  Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone

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• (815): View more from Illinois

  Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!

  (224): View more from Illinois

  Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.

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• (218): View more from Minnesota

  Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website

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• (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.

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