Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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