Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
