You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
