Me too!
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
