I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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