My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
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