I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
