this beer tastes like vomit already
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
