i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
