at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
smell my finger.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
