I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
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