I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize