What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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