just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
