just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
