Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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