I hate all girls vehemently.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize