I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Boobs are out for the taking
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
