i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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